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This contains drug use and strong language...


Ryu and Headband Guy were sitting in the lounge of Capcom HQ. It had been a long, exhausting day for both men, and Ryu wasn’t making it any easier for Headband Guy with him being on the verge of crying every five minutes.

“But why, Senpai?!” Ryu almost sobbed. “Why won’t they localize the game I first starred in? Am I…not worth the effort?”

Headband Guy tried not to sigh, though he did anyway which just showed how quickly he was running out of patience. Ryu would not let this issue go ever since this morning. It was really starting to drive him nuts. He needed an aspirin. Like now. Conveniently, he found a pill container that was probably left behind by one of the employees, but it had no label or anything. Even still, it had to have some kind of medicine in there. He opened it and dispensed two little tablets into his palm. They were round and had tiny designs on them, unlike any other pain medication he’d seen. Instinct told him to be weary about taking medications he had no idea where they came from, but Ryu’s continuous whining about not getting any attention from the folks on the other side of the Pacific was already causing a migraine to come on. He glanced at the pills again and shrugged.

Huh, trippy. 
Without hesitation, he popped them into this mouth and gulped them down. Please tell me these are instant relief…

“Senpaiii…”

Headband Guy sighed again as he clasped a hand over Ryu’s mouth, preventing him from uttering something that would most likely be a complaint. “Let’s just go talk with Management. Maybe they’ll be able to do something. Since they’re, oh I dunno, in charge and all that.”
Headband Guy then slowly removed his hand from Ryu’s mouth…and almost immediately wished he hadn’t. The moment he did, Ryu started complaining again. He whined all the way to the management’s office, and Headband Guy did end up getting a migraine. Those blasted pills didn’t work! I want a refund!

…Even though they weren’t his pills in the first place. And he didn’t buy them.

*29 minutes later*

Headband Guy was starting to feel weird, but he couldn’t quite place his finger as to why. His muscles were tingling, his mouth was running dry, and the room felt hotter all of a sudden. 

“Asogi, are you alright?” Ryu asked.

Headband Guy blinked. “Huh? What’d you say?”

“Are you alright?”

“No, before that.”

“I said, ‘Asogi—‘”

“Aha!” Headband Guy cried out. “That’s my name!”

But due to divine intervention, he was referred to as Headband Guy for the duration of this fic. And before he could shout out “IGIARI” to this, a loli, I mean Watson walked towards the two with a package in her hand.

“Susato made brownies and she wants you to try them.” She said, thrusting the package to Ryu. 

“Aw, really? Why did she do that?” Ryu said, feeling flattered that Susato would do something like that for him.

Watson shrugged. “Not sure. But I saw Holmes go into her dressing room with a bag and then I heard him say, ‘I swear to God, I’ll pay you to go make Ryu some brownies and put this in them to make him stop whining! I can hear him from all the way down the hall!’ Whatever that means. Bye!”

Watson skipped off with rainbows and unicorns following behind, or at least that’s what it looked like to Headband Guy, who was really tripping at this point. Ryu on the other hand was thinking about what Watson just said, as if there was an important detail in there somewhere. But then he remembered that there were freshly baked brownies in his hands and decided not to dwell on the matter further. Eagerly, he opened up the package and devoured one of the brownies, instantly overcome by the rich chocolate flavor.

“Wow…these are amazing!” He exclaimed. “Hey, Asogi, I mean Headband Guy, do you want one? Er…Headband Guy? Asogi?!”

Headband Guy was trembling all over. His entire body was drenched in sweat and- well in Capcom they say that the pupils in his small eyes grew three sizes that day. No seriously, they were so big that his eyes were mostly black now. Ryu cautiously tapped him on the shoulder.

“A-Asogi? AGH!”

Ryu yelped as Headband Guy tightly grabbed his collar and pinned him against the wall, leaning in until their faces were merely inches apart, almost to the point where their lips could touch. Not too far away, Watson was hiding behind a wall panel with a video camera, a pencil and a notebook, recording everything and writing out fanfiction for this scene. But that’s irrelevant. Back to the almost raep scene ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

“Dude…” Headband Guy panted. “I am freaking out, man. FREAKING OUT!”

“I-It’s okay, really.” Ryu stammered, holding up a brownie. “They’re organic.”

Headband Guy slammed Ryu harder against the wall. “Not that, you idiot! I mean...I don’t feel like I’m in my body…I can see sounds…and taste colors…”

Ryu was fascinated by this. “Really? What does yellow taste like?”

“Hmm, yellow…kinda taste like bananas…no wait, it’s changing. Now it tastes like pineapples. No…lemons. Fresh lemons…kinda like the days of my youth…”

“…Huh?”

“GAH WHY DID I SAY THAT?!”

Screaming one more time, Headband Guy dropped Ryu to the ground and ran down the hallway. There was a door up ahead, but the drugs in his system was screwing with his vision, making him see double. He ended up running into a brick wall and promptly fell to the ground, lifeless…

…but wait.

What if Headband Guy was not kill? Illuminate confirmed?!

Meanwhile, after lying on the ground for about forty five minutes, Ryu found himself stumbling around in the hallways of Capcom HQ. There had to have been something in the brownies he just ate because right now he was feeling pretty good. Too good. He felt so high up in the clouds that he didn’t notice Watson trying to get around him and ended up tripping over her.

“Ouch!” Watson hollered. “Hey asshole, watch where you’re going!”

Normally Ryu would have apologized, but right now he was too high to feel concerned about that and just laughed. “Oh, Watson. Fancy ‘running’ into you! Ha! Get it?”

“Yeah, yeah.” Watson glared at him suspiciously. “You’re acting funny.”

“Yeeeeah.” Ryu stretched and yawned. “I think those brownies were laced with something…that reminds me. I had to do something important. I forgot though, so it must not have been important…right?”

“Guess not.”

Ryu stood up; luckily he was sober enough to help Watson to her feet. “Hey, where’s Susato?”

“Uh, I think she’s still in her room. Why?”

“I have to talk with her. It’s important.”

“I thought you forgot.”

“No, this is different. I was walking and I heard these two developers talking about a guy named ‘Phoenix Wright’ and so I asked them who that was and they said he was my descendant!”

Watson cocked her head to the side. Ryu suddenly began talking so fast, like Speedy Gonzales on cocaine, that she couldn’t understand what he had just said. However, she was able to pick up the words “Phoenix Wright” and “descendant” and was able to put the two together. “You found out you have a descendant?”

“YES!” Ryu shouted with excitement. “You know what this means?”

“Uh…you’re a grandfather? Or great-grandfather perhaps?”

“Well yeah. But that means I have to start a family. I’m gonna reproduce and shit. And it has to be with Susato!”

“Why Susato?”

“Because she’s like the main woman and I spend a lot of time with her, and I guess I could do it with you, but that would be illegal and gross and make me look bad because you’re like, what, nine? Ten? Yeah, I’m not sober right now, but even if I was, I still wouldn’t be thinking about having sex with you. I am NOT that type of man. Get it? Got it? Good. Alright, Ryu out!”

Watson watched as Ryu excitedly ran towards Susato’s room before he stumbled and ran into a wall. Unlike Headband Guy, he survived. Watson shook her head and turned her heel to leave when it all suddenly dawned on her. What was sex? “Wait, Ryu!”

It took Ryu almost two hours to find Susato’s room. Being high on weed gave him almost no sense of direction. It didn’t help that he kept running into random Capcom employees and whenever they angrily cussed him out, he giggled at them because to him it looked like their faces were morphing into ridiculous shapes. By the time he got to Susato’s room, he was coming down from his high state and was feeling more “stoned.” Maybe eating all of the brownies in that package was a bad idea because he was really feeling the effects of it now. It took a few tries, but he was finally able to get his hand on the doorknob and twist it so he could open the door and walk in. The room was dark, but he could make out Susato’s form sitting on the couch from the light of the T.V. screen, which showed nothing but static. He grinned and plopped down next to her, almost passing out right there and then.

“Heeyyy, Susato.” He slurred.

Susato turned around and weakly smiled. She was just as stoned as he was. “Heeyyy, Ryuuu.”

“What are you watching?”

Susato giggled as she munched on some Doritos and washed it down with Mountain Dew. “I don’t know.”

“Are you on drugs?”

“Hell yes. I know you are too. I gave you the laced brownies.”

“And I loved them.”

“Holmes told me to make them for you so you would mellow out, but I couldn’t help eating some too because I like brownies…now I’m feeling sooo high and I've got the munchies.”

“You got the drugs from Holmes?”

“Yes. He’s got a stash.”

“Really…”

“He’s been upset though…he lost his bottle of LSD.”

“Ah, well I hope he finds it.”

At that moment, Headband Guy ran passed the room screaming, “AHH! THE WALLS ARE CLOSING IN! THE SKELETONS ARE AFTER ME! I’M LITERALLY RUNNING IN THE 90s!”

But Ryu and Susato were too stoned to notice. Finally Susato asked, “Ryu, why did you stop by?”

That was when Ryu gave her a sly smirk and licked his lips. Draping an arm around her slim frame, he pulled her closer to his body, leaning in and whispered softly in her ear, “I don’t know.”

At that moment, Watson came barging in as she dragged a distraught Headband Guy into the room. “Management is calling for us and since none of you seem to be in your right minds, I’ll be making sure you guys get there.” 

It wasn’t that hard for Watson to get the three older people over to the Management office, except that Ryu and Susato kept bumping into each other. And other people. And practically everything else. Also Headband Guy kept trying to get away from her out of paranoia. She solved that problem by handcuffing their wrists together and giving him a sedative. Being a medical prodigy sure came in handy sometimes. Once they were at the door to the office, Watson gave a polite knock and waited for the management to tell them to come in. There came no answer. Instead, she could briefly make out the muffled sound of a bass coming from the other side, along with these lyrics:

Bitches lookin' at me strange but you know I don't care
Step up in this mothafucker just to swingin' my hair
Bitch quit talkin', Crip walk if you down with the set
Take a bullet with some dick take and this dope from this jet


“What the…” Watson, with slight trepidation, opened the door and peered inside. “Mr. Holmes?!”

Instead of the usual management person, Sherlock Holmes was the one sitting at the desk. He was in the big leather chair, reclined back with his feet up. He was wearing shades and a gold chain around his neck that said “SWAG.” His coat was unbuttoned to reveal a black shirt that had the words #420BlazeIt on the front. Instead of his usual sleuth hat, he instead had on a baseball cap that had OBEY on the front. Holmes took a long drag from his pipe, letting the smoke sit in his mouth a bit before blowing a perfect smoke ring into the air. He pointed at Watson.

“Babe,” He murmured, seductively pulling down his glasses below his eyes. The sclera were red. “Call me Sherlock HOMES.”
Suddenly, there came the sound of somebody abruptly clearing their throat. Headband Guy yelped in surprise. When they all turned around, even their stoned minds knew exactly who it was: the Management. They didn’t have to be completely sober to know that they were completely fucked.

*Later*

“Do you think this is acceptable?! Localizing a bunch of drugees to the American and PAL regions?!” The head of development cried out angrily as he paced around the room of the drug rehabilitation center, surveying the five people in their beds connected to IV fluids to flush out their systems. Watson claimed she was sober, but Management didn’t want to take any chances.

Ryu muttered, “Well the thing is, I thought we weren’t going to get localized in the first place.”

“Which was why Ryu wouldn’t stop complaining.” Watson said.

“And why Holmes asked me to make him pot brownies.” Susato followed up.

Management glared over at Holmes, who just shrugged. “He wouldn’t shut up.”

“Yeah, he was giving me a headache too.” Headband Guy mumbled. “I thought those pills were aspirin…”

This intrigued Holmes. “Were they in a medicine bottle with no label?”

“Yeah…”

“Those would be my LSD pills.”

“That explains a lot.”

“Mr. Holmes,” Watson spoke up. “Why do you have LSD?”

Holmes groaned. “There’s a long story for that which I’m still not sober enough to tell yet.”

The HOD rolled his eyes, still continuing to pace around the room and grumbling angrily to himself. “Unbelievable. Just unbelievable. Now I really can’t localize this game.”

“What?!” Ryu shouted in disbelief. “Why not?!”

“Because we already localized your descendant’s game! He’s well known across the entire WORLD! And now that this incident happened, do we really want people to think that his great ancestor was a stoner?!”

“With all due respect, sir, it isn’t like we’re the only ones in video game history who did drugs.” Susato spoke up politely. “And really, this was all just an accident.”

“I can’t speak for Holmes here on that last one.” Headband Guy muttered, eyeing the detective suspiciously. The guy still managed to sneak his pipe into rehab, claiming they were natural herbs.

“I don’t care!” The HOD shouted. “Drugs are bad, m’kay? And these sorts of stunts bring bad reputations to our business! And don’t even bring up the Grand Theft Auto series. Capcom isn’t about that.”

Ryu tried to think of a counter argument. He was THE great attorney after all. Suddenly, an idea came to him. “Well, what if I told you that we did it for the localization?”

The HOD raised his eyebrows. “What? That’s…honestly pretty stupid.”

“Stupid?” Headband Guy crossed his arms and tried to look offended. “Dude. I took fucking LSD for this damn localization and almost died. Look at my head. There’s stitches under my headband! Fourteen to be exact!”

“Yeah.” Holmes quickly caught on. “Smoking kush for the Western fans.”

“Don’t forget the PAL regions too!” Susato added. 

Everyone looked at Watson. Now…of course it would be socially unacceptable, even for a crackfic, to have a prepubescent girl doing drugs. So we’ll just say the only role she had in this was giving Ryu the laced brownies for the sake of localization. 

“What else do we have to do to get you to localize this game?” Ryu asked, staring deep into the HOD’s eyes.

The HOD was visibly trembling as everyone was glaring at him. His resolve was crumbling and he was finding it rather difficult keeping up his strict façade. Finally, he couldn’t stand it any longer and cracked.

“Alright! Fine…We’ll see, but I’m not making any promises.” And with that, he left without saying another word.

“Well…looks like that’s as good of an answer as you’re gonna get.” Holmes commented.

Susato nodded. “I say we’ll just have to wait to see what they’ll do.”

“All I know is I’m never doing something like this again.” Headband—Asogi sighed.

Ryu glanced over at them and smiled. “Let’s just hope Capcom will come through for its Gyakuten Saiban fanbase.”

Watson was sitting in her bed, waiting for them to end this conversation so she could have an opportunity to speak. An important question had been looming in her mind for quite a while now, and she longed to asked it. Once the room was silent and she was sure no one was going to speak again, she quickly jumped on the chance and spoke: “Mr. Holmes?”

“Yes, my dear Watson?”

“I’ve been meaning to ask…what is sex?”

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